We found out we were expecting our second baby back in February and as soon as those two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, I was suddenly overcome with fear – which is something I really didn’t expect. I wanted to write this post for those who are going through a similar experience.
My first pregnancy was as they say a ‘textbook pregnancy’. Everything went smoothly and our daughter was born (two weeks late!) in June 2013. I guess looking back I was a little naive, however I was young, it was my first baby and you don’t expect things to go wrong. Thankfully it didn’t and we now have a happy and healthy four year old.
I’ve wanted another baby for years now and I thought it would be pretty straightforward and as easy as last time. How wrong was I?! I’ve since learnt that every pregnancy is different. Fast forward four years, I’m obviously that bit older and I’m all too aware of the devastating things that can go wrong during pregnancy. Once I had got over the shock of finally seeing those two lines on the test and of course the excitement, the anxiety soon kicked in and I was petrified at the thought of losing this much wanted baby. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m so lucky to already have a child and to be able to conceive naturally, but the days that passed since we found out were so long. Especially as we found out at 4 weeks pregnant this time, as apposed to 6 weeks first time around. The first trimester was by far the hardest.
I literally spent the majority of the time googling symptoms, analysing very twinge or cramp, inspecting the toilet paper every time I went to the toilet just in case and I bought even more pregnancy tests to make sure the line was getting stronger etc. which indicates the hormone levels are increasing. It probably sounds crazy, but it really was a really worrying time and pretty lonely too if I’m honest. It’s hard knowing that whatever happens is beyond your control and the only thing you can do is take it a day at a time and hope for the best.
I knew I wouldn’t get an early scan on the NHS, so I booked an early private scan for when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I guess it was something for me to aim towards and look forward to. It seemed like such a long wait and in the days running up to it I hardly slept and I felt absolutely sick to my stomach, especially on the day of the scan. I had so many irrational fears going through my head. “What if there isn’t even a baby in there?”. “What if it’s ectopic?”. “What if the baby stopped growing weeks ago or there isn’t a heartbeat?”. I was terrified. Thankfully everything was fine and although I was measuring a few days behind, I left holding on to my scan photos of our tiny baby feeling reassured. That didn’t last long though, as not long after I had pink spotting (on two occasions) and I was heartbroken, automatically fearing the worst. You can read all about that in a separate post. The wait for a scan was like torture and it was very stressful. I feel awful for taking it out on those close to me.
In the weeks running up to the 12 week scan, I found my anxiety heightened once again and I was terrified of something being wrong. Thankfully everything was fine and our baby is growing nice and healthy.
As I’m writing this, I’m almost halfway through this pregnancy and we already know we are expecting another baby girl – which is so exciting! Even now I still have anxious days where I need to know the baby is ok and I will use my doppler to hear her heartbeat (although later in pregnancy when I’m feeling regular movement, I will probably stop using it).
I just wanted to document how I’ve been feeling, as I think it’s really important to talk about it. Especially as I have history of Postnatal Depression and anxiety. I hope you found this post helpful and if you’re going a through similar experience and ever want to chat to someone, please feel free to message me on my Facebook page.
This is exactly how I felt at the beginning of this pregnancy. I had a very early loss the month before I fell this time which just made me an anxious mess. Waiting for that first scan was absolute torture. Since baby has got bigger and I can feel him moving a lot it has definitely helped me relax a little. Hopefully you can relax a little too soon xxxx
Thank you for sharing this <3 I miscarried before I had my son and I was so anxious throughout my entire second pregnancy (and labour and the initial months after) and never said anything to anyone. I really wish I shared how I was feeling with my partner or mother at the time but I didn't want anyone else to worry – which seems so silly now. It's one of the many reasons why I don't want another child.
I know exactly what you mean. Because you instantly love this little baby, but you can't see them, there is a constant worry that all things are OK.
I felt the same when I had my third. Well done you for opening up about your fears and anxieties.
Well done for sharing your thoughts and fears. I hope it helps make you feel better. She'll be here before you know it xx
I think it is so hard not to worry so much about things once you know how precious they are, you want to wrap them up in cotton wall even more!
I felt the same with my pregnancies too Emma! Its such a worrying time. Well done for sharing your fears though- you are not alone! xx
You're not along at all but it can feel like it can't it? Well done for sharing x x