I think it’s fair to say, the aftermath of giving birth to my second daughter was one of the worst experiences of my life. So today, I wanted to share my current thoughts and feelings about my experience of birth trauma, exactly two and a half years on.
If I only I had read a post like this, on what life would be like in the future. And knowing that although you will never, ever forget what happened… you will be okay and you will eventually come out the other side.
Going back to October 2017; I remember in the early days, when we had not long arrived home after our week-long stay in hospital after giving birth, I genuinely worried how I would ever accept what had just happened. It was a very surreal experience. I would replay everything in my head, on repeat. I also had flashbacks, which I now know was a sign of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It literally consumed me, day and night and was all I could think about in the days, weeks and months that followed.
It has taken a long time to process, but after a course of CBT therapy, several appointments with the senior midwife (who also runs Birth Afterthoughts at the hospital) and the consultant, I think I have slowly accepted what happened to me.
On a positive note, we know exactly what happened and why. It is understood that my severe Postpartum Haemorrhage (PPH) was caused by Uterine Atony, which is the most common cause of PPH. This is where the uterus fails to contract after childbirth. As I had been in labour for several hours, before I ended up having a Cesarean Section, my womb was too tired to contract, which was the reason for my haemorrhage. Unfortunately in my case, it was literally ‘bad luck’ and it was just one of those things that couldn’t have been avoided in this situation.
I have previously made no secret of the fact I would like another baby in the future, however I feel the decision isn’t as straightforward now, because of the risk of it happening again. As we have experienced first hand, birth is unpredictable and it could go either way. It’s a big decision to make and I don’t know if I’m prepared to put myself, my partner or family through that again. Although I believe there is no right or wrong answer to this and I think only time will tell.
I do still think about the birth quite often and I do seriously wonder how we ever got through it – but we did. And I genuinely believe it has made us stronger.
You can find out more information and help on traumatic births over on the Birth Trauma Association website.
I have previously made no secret of the fact I would like another baby in the future, however I feel the decision isn’t as straightforward now, because of the risk of it happening again. As we have experienced first hand, birth is unpredictable and it could go either way. It’s a big decision to make and I don’t know if I’m prepared to put myself, my partner or family through that again. Although I believe there is no right or wrong answer to this and I think only time will tell.
I do still think about the birth quite often and I do seriously wonder how we ever got through it – but we did. And I genuinely believe it has made us stronger.
You can find out more information and help on traumatic births over on the Birth Trauma Association website.
Birth is so scary. Elaras birth wasn’t the best and it is holding me back from having another somewhat. I’d love to speak to you privately about birth ptsd if possible.
Katie x
http://www.katiefloss.com
It really is, I hate how unpredictable it is! I completely understand what you mean though and my messages are always open if you want a chat x
It’s so tough! No two births are the same! X
As you say, having an explanation certainly helps with these sorts of things but I'm sorry to hear you had to go through all of this! xx
Becca // becc4 blog
Sorry to hear you had such a rough time. Well done for sharing your experience